Beauty for Ashes

"Beauty for Ashes"
~Shane and Shane

Beauty for ashes
a garment of praise
for my heaviness
beauty for ashes
take this heart of stone
and make it Yours

I delight myself in the richest of fare
trading all that I had
for all that is better
a garment of praise
for my heaviness
You are the greatest taste
You're the richest of fare


hi everyone! it's been a while since we've shared songs =].

This song has been a really big encouragement for me throughout this past quarter. I think a lot of it is because there have been so many times in the past couple of months where I felt like I've been chasing so many things to to satisfy me; relationships, knowledge, self-image, my plans, among probably a lot of other things. In trying to find my worth in these things, I clung extremely tight to them; it became really hard for me to trust God when He told me to let go, because my fist was clenched so tightly trying to find satisfaction and justification through all of these things.

When I hear this song, it reminds me of some amazing truths: That God is BETTER! than the reputation or comfort I hold on to. That I can give up ALL that I have, because I know that what I'm exchanging for in return is infinitely more satisfying than anything I can conjure up myself. For those of you who are confused about what a "fare" is (like I was before x]) it's food. Actually, it connotes a feast. This song is telling us that God is the BEST tasting--the most deeply satisfying, the richest-- of fare. I can know that He is the most satisfying of anything I can ever dream of for myself; more than any kind of relationship, future, or self-image. He gives me Himself and His love, when we have nothing good to offer Him. Isn't that good news? =]

I love the amazing picture of the gospel that is communicated through this song too! God is willing to take our brokenness, heaviness, our ashes, and give us what what is the BEST: Himself. This is the gospel painted for us; Jesus taking our disgustingness to the grave and giving us His life. 'His beauty for my ashes.

I think Isaiah 55 has an amazing Word for us:
"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

yay God. =]

Our Hope Endures

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?


In my sociology class, I'm learning that there are a lot of broken people in the world. Some of my floor mates are fed up with the sins of the world but they don't know what to do about it. They just want to move off to some island far away from the sorrows of the world and laugh at those who stay in it. It breaks my heart to see people giving up and accepting the brokenness as the way things are supposed to be. My roommate is similar. She confessed to me last night that she wants to stop calling herself a Christian because she's afraid to be a hypocrite. She has the right idea, to not be a hypocrite, but absolutely the wrong way to go about doing so. And she's afraid to continue the fight to not being a hypocrite because she thinks she's gone way too far from God. But I shared with her my devotion, which happened to be about perseverance, Hebrews 10:19-39. And I remembered this song as well. 


I think one thing that really defines who we, as Christians are, is our hope. How do we face our struggles instead of running away from them? Where does a person who does not have Christ find hope? "How do we comprehend peace within pain?" I think our hope is that no struggle we face can overcome us because He has overcome the world. If God is an all-powerful God, He can make anything capable of glorifying Him, including our sins, clumsy ways of serving him, and including our failures. Nothing can hinder God from carrying out His will. Even if I say "no", to Him, if He's going to use me, He's going to use me. I have no say. That is sooooo cool!!


By the way, I always get goosebumps when I hear "but she marches on."

keep up the good work!

hi!

No, I am not going to share a song in this post =] Instead, I thought of doing something different. Today, I wanted to listen to some music....BUT the funny thing was I couldn't think of what to listen to. I thought of the song blog! I feel like the song blog is my source of new music (when i can't think of anything better to listen to) and plus there's stories to read! But seriously, I appreciate all the songs on this blog. It's a great encouragement xD I love seeing the growth in each one of you through this blog. I admit this blog is old, but i think it's a good thing!!! =]]

7 x 70

So this past summer, I went to Spirit West Coast, and I heard this song by Chris August. It caught my attention and I really liked it, so I'm sharing it with you!

This song ultimately is about forgiveness. It basically talks about how in childhood, Chris August's life was difficult because he grew up in a broken home. He speaks in his commentary on it about how people look at their childhood and say "well, it's shaped me to be who I am," without understanding the true repercussions of it. Not that it makes you tough and independent in a good way, but rather in a way that you can end up finding yourself disconnected from the people you used to love.

When I listened to this song, it didn't relate to me in that my family was broken, or that I had unresolved issues with my biological relatives. However, sometimes, I do realize that I become bitter because of the people in Christ's family. Thinking on that, I realize that it's so sad that people who we think are supposed to be uplifting can really tear you down. And that, in turn, can make you senseless and unfeeling, or it can make you angry and untrusting.

This song draws from the verse, Matthew 18:21-22, which says:
Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

That's basically saying that no matter how much resentment you feel towards someone, or no matter how much someone has hurt you, it's not up to you to judge them. Leave that to God. The worst you can do is not forgive someone, because it doesn't just hurt whoever "wronged" you, but it hurts you the most. The feeling of being unable to accept something in the past is very difficult to deal with, and forgiveness sometimes can seem just as difficult. But the repercussions of forgiveness are far better than the repercussions of holding a grudge.

7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way
7 times 70 times
There’s healing in the air tonight
I’m reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

God isn't calling us to forgive "just this once," or even "490 times (for all you smart people)," but he's calling us to forgive continuously. Yes, you can learn from past experiences, but you can either grow cold or grow up. Me and my trust issues have a hard time accepting this, but this song reminds us that there's healing in the air tonight when we can let go and let God.

Boop Boop Beep Beep, it's getting late, so thanks for reading!
P.S. Chris August's story behind this song is on youtube, as well, if you wanted to look at it. :) TTFN!

Lord, Break My Heart

I found this song after listening to songs by Megan Nicole. A friend of mine on Youtube liked this video, the artist was Jonny Diaz. I'm not sure if this song was shared or not, but if it was, oh wells! Having double songs are fun! XD

This song is about how there are so many hurting people out there and most of us don't do anything because we're busy in our own world. And all of you know how Jenny went to Zambia to help those poor orphans out there, and this song reminded me of her sharing. And that picture she took of that little girl who couldn't go to their VBS program popped into my head. I'm sure she felt left out of the big group of children who were having fun and learning about Jesus. I know I would.

We're so consumed by all the things that we are blessed with, and those things aren't even ours. They were given by God, so they are rightfully His. There is this one Bible verse I'm sure you all know. I'm not sure where it is in the Bible but it said to not store up treasure here on earth. Because these things are all temporary. God is eternal not money, not computers, not grades, not our failures. But God only, and we should get out of little world and do something to help the orphans. Yes, paying and sponsoring a child is awesome, but we can do so much more than that.

I believe the chorus of this song can be a prayer to God to break our hearts for what break His.

So help me see through the eyes of the hurting
Come break my heart, come break my heart
True grace sees a face not a burden 
So come break my heart, won't You break my heart?
Come break my heart 


So let's pray this prayer, and see where God is calling us to help.

Oh and there is a video of Jonny Diaz talking about this song. You can watch it after you finish listening to the song, the video should be one of the recommended ones.

The Redeemer (can make anything new)

~Sanctus Real "The Redeemer"

This song is for the broken, for those who are aching for redemption in their lives and aching for God to make something new out of something ugly.

For me, this song is just an amazing reminder of the amazingness of our God to make anything NEW. From my ugly self-righteousness to the brokenness of our fellowship and church, our God is The Great Redeemer! Sometimes the bleakness of whatever's in our face can cause us to lose hope.. We don't know why God allows the brokenness in our lives.. but this song reminds me hoping and praying that God will make the broken things new in His timing, which means NOT giving up. If He can make our screwed up souls completely new by His blood, He can certainly redeem every bit of our broken relationships, lives, and hearts. He redeems me from my sinfulness and makes me new. He can make anything new.

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh I lost my faith in so many things
but I still believe in You

Cuz You are the Answer, the Redeemer
Oh I've given up on too many things,
But I'm not giving up on You

Cuz You can make anything new


Also, the band has a little behind the song video which first made me think deeply about all these things.. It's pretty inspiring, and I hope we can all identify parts of our lives where we need to submit ourselves to the Redeemer.



I don't have every answer in life,
But I'm trusting in You one day at a time
Cuz you can make a weak heart stay alive
Forever

Perspectives

"Perspectives" - by Kutless

Haha, sorry, I've been kinda MIA from this blog. But I decided I'll do a quick sharing today.

This song started playing on my playlist today, and it reminded me of some verses that encourage me a lot:

"Therefore, do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

Hope these encourage you!

I'll be back on this blog again! :D

Send Revival-- Start With Me

~Petra "Send Revival, Start With Me"

Lord send revival, start with me
for I am one of unclean lips
and my eyes have seen the King
Your glory I have glimpsed,
send revival, start with me...

God's been doing something really crazy in me, and I really pray that I don't easily forget it. He's been making my selfish pride evident in my face, and how I tend to use my self-righteousness to judge other people. As He convicted me of my self-righteousness and pride, He led me back to His Word in Matthew 7:1-5,

when Jesus says, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way, you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Ironically, in my arrogance, I jokingly (but hurtfully) pointed out a splinter in my friend's eye, but failed to see the tree in my own eye. Often times I fail to first examine myself or let God work in ME, but I can so easily point out what other people need to work on. But after that incident, God reminded me of this song, that asks God to first work in ourselves first.

After looking more closely at this song, I found out this song is based on Isaiah 6. In that chapter, Isaiah is taken to see the glory of God, and he cries "Woe is me! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty" (v5). Then God takes a coal to Isaiah's lips, atoning for his sin. It's only after this that God sends Isaiah to send a message to His people in His name.

A lot of times I find myself thinking about how much our churches, fellowships, and friends need God and need Jesus. But what about myself? I think its because I don't have the larger perspective; Isaiah first needed to see how ruined HE was before God Almighty. Revival needed to start in Isaiah before he could be sent out to minister of revival for God. And I know the same is needed in myself. Though I know I'm completely redeemed in Christ Jesus, He's still working to fully crucify the Pharisee and self-righteousness in me to love other people and be a minister of His love.

I know that I honestly desire God to be glorified in the lives of other people. But before I can ask God for revival in our fellowship, church, other people, I must first ask God to heal me. Lord send revival..start with me.

Oh My Dear

"Oh My Dear" ~Tenth Avenue North

I listened to this song for the first time while I was in China with Aaron, and I listened to it several times again. It's really good =]. It's like a story, and I like that too. It's a song about meeting people where they're at, and being there for them. It's also a song about grace, and loving people unconditionally.

I think there are two pictures being painted in this song:
One is of Jesus, and how He went the farthest mile to meet us where we're at. And once we're able to tell Him our things we feel the most disgusted with, our ugliest parts, He doesn't turn away, but He listens to us and STILL loves us and takes us as we are. It's kinda like what we learned at Family Retreat, that God can make the distinction between the person and the disease of our sin. It's pretty awesome.

The other is of people loving and showing grace to other people. I think its important for us and myself to ask ourselves if we love like Christ would; are we willing to go that mile? One really cool thing about this song is that the speaker initiates the conversations with his/her friend, being the one to ask how they're doing and asking if they could talk for longer. The thing is, even when we say "yes, I will," its really hard to continue to encourage them.. but that's why we need to draw strength from the love that God shows us.

I myself haven't been as motivated as i used to to that extra mile and ask how people are doing.. to stop listening to myself and make the effort to tune into other people's channel and listen with God's love. Or, on the other hand, to let others hear my pain, and share with brothers or sisters about the things that shame me, knowing that Christ's blood washes over all of it. Yeah. I just really like this song. I'm not saying we need to share our problems with absolutely everyone (unless we feel convicted do so!), but I do hope that I and we can move towards transparency that is centered on Christ's work of love on the cross for us, so we can be God's arms for each other when we need it.

You slowly lifted your hands from your head
You said, "I just don't think you'll understand"
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I did"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
Oh, but I never loved you more
Even though I knew what you did

Until this guilt begins to crack,
And the weight falls from your back
Oh my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight.

=].

Spirit vs the Kick Drum

"Spirit VS the Kick Drum" ~Derek Webb

I just think this song is really interesting. And I admit that it's a little weird. I'm still trying to understand some of the verses, but the basic gist of it I get, and I feel its worth sharing.

It challenges if we know what we want when we ask for the Spirit, the Son, and the Father. It's something I ask myself every now and then, especially as a worship leader. When I worship, am I really more moved by the music or am i moved by the Holy Spirit? Sometimes this question can be overly complicated, but it reminds me to be conscious to seek HIM out, and not just some fleeting emotions. It also makes me think about whether my perception of the Trinity is Biblically based. Do I live life seeking the approval of my peers (or coming out as 'better' than them) than i do the grace of Jesus? Do I expect Father to give me everything I want, or trust Him to give me everything I need?

I think this song it's a catchy and creative way to have us evaluate whether or not we really seek out God (all parts of Him; Father, Son, and Spirit), or if we seek a God that conforms to what we want. I pray that if I or any of us stray from a Biblical view of Jesus, the Father, or the Holy Spirit, that we would lovingly redirect me or them back to scripture. =].

To Know You - Casting Crowns

As I am struggling with my spiritual brokenness, I long forgotten the God I once knew (or if I ever knew Him at all). At my weakest moment within the past couple of days, it has become apparent to me that I don't trust God. I fear this world more than I fear Him. It hurts so much to write out my true feelings when all I have been doing for the past couple of days and even weeks was to leave it under a rug. I didn't even know how to pull the truth out to the surface. With a little help, the truth finally came out. It's funny how Satan works. He took something so precious to me and used it against me by making me feel guilt and shame. I've been conflicted with a choice I have to make and it was such a struggle for me to see clearly what God wanted for me. Someone asked me if I have been talking and listening to God. I told him "yes." From the way he saw it, I was not being honest. Yes, I've tried talking to God, but I realize I've been plugging my ears whenever I came close to a decision. There's a certain fear and guilt I feel towards the decisions He laid out for me and this is what revealed my distrust in God. Right now I don't know Him at all, but I want to know Him.

Times

So, my relationship with God hasn't been going really well. And I really want it to go well. I'm stuck. I keep giving myself advice, telling myself things that start with "you should..." or "you shouldn't," so even though I know what I'm supposed to do to get out, I am still stuck. Now that I think about it, I really don't know what to do. I'm just referring to past solutions to past problems and I guess this is a new problem. Though the situations feel so similar.

I felt like I was a bad leader because I didn't see much spiritual growth within the group, and I started to act the part of a good leader. I started pretending to be wise, strong, independent. I even hid the fact that I was starting to feel once again, unloved. But this wasn't enough for the people to see me as a leader and I kind of started a competition with everyone else. I compared myself to anyone who was looked up to in their field, and I tried to beat them. Then I realized how unleaderly I was being, and I told myself, "you should stop being so arrogant, are you honestly trying to do God's job for him? You realize that only God can lead his people to him. It's not your job." But I ignored the voice in the sense that I didn't let it affect me. Looking back, ugh, I really don't like me. I was feeding on people's praise instead of God's praise. I just felt so much pressure to not be a bad leader because I didn't want to take for granted God's privilege for me. But I'm so tired of counting how many times I fail and I'm so tired of covering up the many times I do fail. I'm just so scared that there might be a possibility that God wanted me to say "no" to being a leader. Ahh, the pressure is getting back to me. Anyways, I like this song because it's simple. I've been calculating and measuring my relationship with God for a while now and I just want to throw all my records away and let our relationship be. I've been feeling a lack of love as a result of my measuring and I cried because this song overwhelmed me. I don't like that I am a crybaby and a weakling, but I like that it is a blessing from God. Yeah, God gives me many blessings I take for granted. Anyways, I was overwhelmed by the truth this song illustrates: He is faithful.

I need to love you
I love to see you, but its been so long
I long to feel you
I feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (repeat 4)
i hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Spotlight

"Spotlight" ~MuteMath

I've wanted to put this song on the blog for so long now that most people who reads this blog probably already knows it hahaa. Oh well, up it goes (after taking fOREVER to write haha).

This song is kind of a challenge to people who try to hold onto their pride and image, especially around other people. Like myself at some times. Sometimes I try really hard to keep myself together; to restrain myself from messing up, looking stupid, or whatever so other people won't have a negative opinion of me. I mean, how many of us can relate to you just tried to hard and you froze. Another line in there reminds me that the one thing you're trying to hold will be the on thing you got to let go. Kinda like how Paul tells the church of Corinth in his second letter that God's grace is sufficient for them, so they should rather boast in their WEAKNESS so that God's strength can be shown! At our last prayer meeting, Annie said something along those lines, about how she realized that God wants her to boast in her weaknesses and not try to pretend to be super-human-leader-person, because she knows that Christ is SO magnified when we can admit our faults and give them up to God. Nuff said thar =D.

I love these parts: Just take the fall. You're one of us. / Because everyone would rather watch you fall. One thing that my discipler has been trying to impress upon me for the past two years or so is what it means to be human, and I think this song really speaks to that. I'm still learning to simply be able to admit before God, myself, and others that I'm not all that I want to be or try to be. I know ya'll aren't cruel and wouldn't REALLY rather see me screw up, but i think it's cool when we can all come to a place and admit our faults and live under God's grace together. So this is just me still learning: I am human; i have my gifts and i have my struggles and I too need God as my Savior.

And its a fun song.

dear heart - sanctus real

So...I don't know why, but I felt like sharing this song a while ago. I saved it as a draft and now I feel like I should finish what I started even though this is not exactly what I am going through right now. I do like this song a lot though. I do sing this song whenever I do feel like I am getting too consumed in the love I find in people and the world. This song actually reminds me of all the silly things I go through with my relationships with the opposite gender ><. haha I know this is sort of a taboo subject for me, but I do want to share this song with you guys because I know that we all get that way sometimes and I hope that when we (including me) do get that way, we would sing this song to snap us out of being caught up in something we sometimes treat as priority over God.

You know what? As harsh as it may sound, we deserve having our hearts broken sometimes. Now that I think about it...I feel like this is how God shows us how s despite our ignorance and His constant warnings to guard our hearts, we choose our own short-cut paths to what we think will lead us to love and happiness. We lead ourselves to our own destruction. I would never to take it out on God for my own mistake, but I do question Him a lot whenever I feel like He is withholding a blessing from me. Even though it is still a constant struggle for me, I've come to accept that He is not! He is doing the right thing because He does know what is best for us. Like a father, he wants to protect his children from the false love the world advertizes. He does not lock us up in a cage to protect us, but instead allows us to make our own choices and decisions. Free-will does allow us to learn from our mistakes, but free-will is what leads us into those mistakes in the first place! Under His guidance, I am sure that we can save ourselves from some hurt.

I wasn't expecting to write this much. This song is pretty self-explanatory. I know that a lot of songs have lyrics along the lines of "...follow your heart..." I am telling you to not follow your heart, but to follow God! thanks for reading =D

You Are My Strength

I just wanna get this out before I go to sleep =]. Hopefully its no less encouraging.


"You Are My Strength" ~Hillsong

This is a very simple song.. but I sing it to God very often, especially when I feel tired. Of work, people, school... GOD is my strength. JESUS is my hope. HIS unfailing love is my encouragement. It's when I realize my weakness and I sing to Him songs with a heart of weakness that I recognize His strength and worship Him for who He is.

I just want to remind you that if you're going through rough times, He can be your strength. I think the hardest part, including for myself, is giving up my own strength for His mighty one.

Peace in Christ, everyone =].

Fire Fall Down

hi guys =]. it's been a while! and I don't have much to type out right now, but there have been a bunch of songs that i've been singing down the street all over the place, redirecting my mind and heart back onto God. oh yeah, they're all Hillsong-songs x].


"Fire Fall Down" ~Hillsong United

A long ago, I was talking to Vivian about how much I liked this song, and she brought up a really good thought about the bridge, which goes "Fire, fall down..fire, fall down on us...": "What does that mean? To pray for God's fire to fall down? Is that something we really want?" And it wasn't really since I've listened to it recently that I feel God had reminded me of the dual-meaning of fire. Because when we think of fire, especially fire that falls down, we think of Judgment, as in Sodom & Gomorrah. My pastor from my SD church mentioned how, in the end, Jesus will burn away all the weeds..all the things that don't glorify Him. And in my own life, I have all these weeds. These gross things that don't glorify Him, that hurt Him and others, etc.

God deserves only the things that will glorify Him, and I guess this bridge is asking God to not only to burn away the weeds, but to leave refined the things of gold He put in us. It reminded me of the verse in 1 Cor 3:12-13 - "If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work." I know that God will, in the very end, burn away all the displeasing things.. but I'm just praying for that longing for Him to do that in me now as well.

I also really like the verses :]. and the chorus.

These hands are Yours
Teach them to serve as You please
And I'll reach out
Desperate to see all the greatness of God
May my soul rest assured in You

'Cuz I know that You're alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I'll sing to glorify
Your Holy Name,
Jesus Christ

"forgiven" - Sanctus Real

I honestly can't study right now, so I am going to share this awesome song with you guys :) Well, the real reason why i can't study is because I am really angry and frustrated right now!! It was not really an argument, but I was talking to someone and *sigh* it's a long story, but right now i just feel a little bit frustrated. At first it was towards the person, but now it's more towards me.

Anyways, today I was talking to a different friend and she asked me if i get into conflicts with people a lot of times. she asked because i was sharing with her about my conflict with this one person. i told her that i haven't really thought about it. i told her that i can't really compare, so i don't know if i do get into conflicts "a lot of time." maybe i said that to mask the real answer. today, i realize i actually complain and get frustrated very easily DD: it's definitely not easy for me to admit this to you guys that i get ticked off quite easily, but i am tired of masking my weaknesses...i hold on to too much pride and the weight is overbearing =/

i am so tired of pleasing the world! i don't want to keep all my struggles with sin inside because it definitely gets pretty exhausting! i am so self-conscious when it comes to my words and actions. i realize i said something that i probably shouldn't have said and i am just super annoyed at myself for saying it. i try to justify by saying that Jesus would have never say such a thing and that's why i shouldn't have said it. In the end, it's more about me worrying how it might give people a bad impression of me -_____________-! Then I look back at all my past social interactions with people and i get so angry because i compare myself to others and see that maybe i am not as for instance, "nice" as this one girl...and i get jealous =/

i want to be more understanding and forgiving than frustrating and angry. i would hear some of my friends who don't know God as much rant on about a person or situation. i am not saying anything bad about these friends >< i just realize how i am not that much different from them. in my mind, my immediate response would be that everyone is not perfect and that we shouldn't talk bad about them with that kind of attitude. i should really listen to my own advice or actually the Holy Spirit. i feel like i am the only one in this struggle. i know that i rant a lot, but i feel like others don't do it as much as i do. is it because they are holding it in? i wonder if it's better to hold it in or let it out? as ideal this would be, i know that i should try to understand and watch what i say if i do let it out...

the funny thing is that after i type this, i am not going to be angry or frustrated anymore. ahh! my mood changes too quickly...i am going to look back and see how i might be over thinking all of this!! *Sigh*

Anyways, I know that I need God's forgiveness. I've wronged people by not understanding imperfection. I am just as imperfect as everyone else! Christ is constantly making me a new person. I want to move on with my life and not hold on to the past! here are some of my favorite lines from the song:

"And in this life, I know what I've been
but here in Your arms, I know what I am"

"When I don't measure up too much in this life
O I am treasure in the arms of Chirst"

I am tired of the burden. I definitely don't measure up and I don't want to. God is telling me that I don't need to. I feel better now haha xDD thanks for reading my long rant!

side note: i apologize for all the times i rant/complain. i appreciate all the times some of you guys would try to calm me down. i am sorry that you had to deal with such a troubling girl =/

Healing Begins

What's the point of Jesus dying on the cross if I don't let his blood redeem me and wash me of my sins?

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

Worth It

I have been distracted from God for a while. I blame colleges and school work. I was so caught up in succeeding every thing I did, I forgot about why I was doing those things. And eventually, the work took away my need for Jesus because I was succeeding. And for a moment, I arrogantly thought I was capable of doing things on my own. Then, things starting going wrong. I was extremely stressed out! And I thought that since I was capable of making my own success, I should be able to get out of my mess and stress (unintentional rhyme) on my own. It's not easy to admit, but I was struggling with my faith. I couldn't sense God's presence.

Then I realize how superficial my faith in God was. I felt God's love only conditionally. I realized that it took effort on my part to have a relationship with God. But I didn't realize just how much effort took when things were really getting rough. And when I kept making an effort and not seeing immediate results, I started giving up. I think I see why: 1) I was putting effort into the external aspects of a relationship with God, substituting spirituality with singspiration or service, and 2) I kept thinking that I had to be the one to mend the relationship, like it was MY relationship and not God's too, and like I was one who could fix the relationship. So, though I kept making an effort, I kept failing. And I lost hope that I could have a relationship as intimate as before with God again.

But my hope is renewed, because I'm going to fight for my relationship with God regardless of the struggle. And this time, I'm saying it with a better understanding of what struggle exactly means. hehe, and the relationship is, well, Worth It.

Love’s not a feeling
Love’s not convenient
But I know love will change your life
Love takes sacrifice
Love cuts like a knife
Sometimes love will make you cry
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

Love is a hunger
But love won’t leave you empty
See it’s the language of the heart
Love can steal your pride
But love won’t let you hide
It takes everything you’ve got
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

(Chorus)
What you gonna do when the bottom falls out
And you’re left with nothing but your fear and your doubt to hold to
Who will hold you?
Where you gonna run when it’s all on the line
And you’re looking for someone to save your life
To save your life

All In

"All In" ~Lifehouse

Very quickly, cuz i gotta do homework, but when I first heard this song, I really liked it =].

There was one week this past month where I felt so tight with God, so in-tune, so caught up in Him; fell harder than a landslide x]. And there were times during that week, where I couldn't sense His presence as clearly, and I could feel this desperate need and thirst for him. That line, "I spent a week away from you last night" really resonates with that feeling.

Sometimes I think we need to keep reminding ourselves how much we really need, want, relationship with Him.
"I want it...
I want it...
I want it...
Yeah, I want it..."
I want this love for God, this relationship with God, is SO worth it. It fills me up to my fullest, gives me purpose and direction, peace and joy, salvation and hope, etc etc. I want it, I want it, I want it...do I want it enough to go "all in" for Him? how 'bout for life?

I want it...I want it...I want it...I want it...I want it...

Secrets

"Secrets" ~One Republic

Sometimes I leave my guard up for way too long around others, and then try to be what I'm really not. I try to cover up all my stupid mistakes and my weaknesses and pretend that they don't exist. Or at least ignore them. Cuz I think there's this innate desire to make everyone think I'm without fail; that i'm funny enough, smart enough, spiritual enough, pure enough.

But God sees past all my acts, all my facades, and knows me as I am. While there's a sort of nakedness in that, it's really comforting to know it. That he sees all of that ugliness and STILL loves me. sigh. In fact, Paul says that he REJOICES in his weaknesses! 2 Cor 12:8-10: "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it [my weakness] away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

And I think God is calling me to not try and keep up that image around my brothers and sisters and everyone else too. Hopefully I can boast in my weaknesses, like Paul, so to give Jesus all the glory when something awesome happens. Even if they DO judge me, I know that my heart and life is secure in Christ. I'm sick of all the insincere, don't need another lie, don't care if critics critique. I'll keep trying to be honestly me with God and you.

More Like Falling In Love

"More Like Falling In Love" ~Jason Gray

I think God sent me this song at a very appropriate time of my life. Sometime last quarter, I got very caught up in moralism, focusing too much on the "doing" and "works." I heard this song, and the lightbulb went on; something like God's light, revealing to me that I was trying to obey God out of my own strength. I prayed (and continue to pray) that instead, I'll fall in love with Him =].

It's gotta be
more like falling in love
than something to believe in
more like losing my heart
than giving my allegiance
caught up, called out
come take a look at me now
it's like i'm falling in love

I also really like these lines in particular:
"I need more than a truth to believe, I need a truth that lives, moves and breathes, to sweep me off my feet"
"..cuz all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet.. It never set me free."
They describe very nicely about how I want to see my relationship with God: not simply thoughtless obedience, but His love sweeping me off my feet. And understanding that my religiosity doesn't save me, but in fact does the opposite. It's His love that frees me =]. yay!

Your Love

"Your Love" ~Brandon Heath

This song has been an amazing source of encouragement for me for the past few MONTHs, especially from the chorus. SO many times, I forget the amazingness of God's love. I forget that it's all I ever needed: where i find my strength, value, motivation, EVERYthing.

You're the hope in the morning
You're the light when the night is falling
You're the song when my heart is singing,
It's Your love
You're the eyes to the blind man
You're the feet to the lame man walking
You're song of the people singing
It's Your love

I love the bridge :]. Sometimes, I dread waking up to the grind of another day, but yet my God is my hope. At those low moments of darkness, confusion, and sadness, He is the light. And those times when my heart is overjoyed? You can find that all pointed back to God! He gives sight to this blind man and moves the feet of this crippled person, and does the same for others =]. His love is amazing.

It's a pretty simple concept, but I love it; His love is awesome =]. Hope you're blessed!