My mom and I were arguing. It started out with me, asking her, if she could stop comparing me to others. Then somewhere along the way, there was dripping snot...and a 4 inch thick pile of wet tissues...haha. I guess--I can't believe it, because I feel like I've been through this issue already--anyways, I guess it was because I felt insufficiently loved. I was frustrated with my family and felt angry, haha, I get angry so easily. I told her that I didn't feel loved in the family, which was a generalization and essentially a lie, because I know she loves me. As I was saying, I didn't feel loved in the family because my grandpa kept complaining about returning to China where he didn't have to do chores and where everyone respected him, my dad kept telling me that my crying was bothering the neighbors, I was told by another member of the family that they didn't like me because I was getting baptized and that I was the source of the arguing in the family. I felt discouraged and eventually that discouragement turned into anger. I was angry at them for not making me feel like I was a valuable member of the family, for making me feel that if I were gone, they'd be happier. And to play devil's advocate, I said I realized that they maybe they DO love me. But that I didn't feel they did because the way they were doing it was too subtle, and since they don't explicitly say they love me, I infer they do, and because it's an inference, it's uncertain, which becomes a doubt of their love. After some thinking, I felt terrible! Because I realized how spoiled I was being, how unappreciative, how entitled I was feeling. I was disgusted with myself. I was disappointed with myself for being so spoiled. I was being stubborn, refusing to accept my family's hints of love as evidences of love. And that's when said to myself, Annie, you're being absolutely self-centered and conceited. Why is God's love not enough for you? And I found this song, which has become my prayer
With every breath, with every thought/I pray, father
From what is seen to the deepest part/ Earnestly,
I offer all that I've come to be/ to stop being so stubborn and surrender the belief that I am not loved
From what is seen to the deepest part/ Earnestly,
I offer all that I've come to be/ to stop being so stubborn and surrender the belief that I am not loved
To know your love fathering me/ So that I will no longer blind myself to the truth of how much I am loved, ultimately, by YOU
Father, You're all I need/ Father, be all that I need
My soul's sufficiency/ Satiate my greedy and hungry soul
My strength when I am weak/ Be my strength
That love that carries me/ I know you love me because of what you did on the cross and it's lifting my spirits up
Your arms enfold me, till I am only/ Hold me God
A child of God/ Because then, I know I'm so dear to you
Father, You're all I need/ Father, be all that I need
My soul's sufficiency/ Satiate my greedy and hungry soul
My strength when I am weak/ Be my strength
That love that carries me/ I know you love me because of what you did on the cross and it's lifting my spirits up
Your arms enfold me, till I am only/ Hold me God
A child of God/ Because then, I know I'm so dear to you
2 comments:
I believe God has given us a challenge. I, too, come from a similar family background. I know exactly how you feel. Actually, for the longest time,I felt like I was the black sheep of the family. I could never please my family and I was always thought that they saw me as the "odd one." Lately, I've been more appreciative for what my parents do for me. I see it clearly now because they provide me with so much when it comes to college. It's hard to show my gratitude towards my family because my family never practiced the exchanging of emotions, appreciation, and gratitude for non-tangent things.
Annie, God has blessed you with your family. It's hard to see sometimes especially when there's disagreement and arguments. They do love you...it's just shown in a different way. My family sacrificed a lot for me, so I can have this comfortable living. I am pretty sure they also sacrificed and will continue sacrificing a lot for you. There's a reason why God gave you this family. We're given a challenge and that is to love our broken families. Maybe it is you that will bring them closer to Him. I don't know why He chose us, but I believe He knows that we can handle it. Don't give up. You're not alone in this fight.
Thanks again for sharing this song =]
I love how this song touches you so much, Annie =]. It's really encouraging to me that you're earnestly seeking God and honestly trying to have Him be your everything. I'll keep praying that God will help you accept His love for you, and the blessing of your family's love for you. Like Michelle said, thanks for your honest sharing =].
Here's a verse that's been encouraging me lately, and I hope it can encourage you:
Ephesians 3:16-18
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
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