As I am struggling with my spiritual brokenness, I long forgotten the God I once knew (or if I ever knew Him at all). At my weakest moment within the past couple of days, it has become apparent to me that I don't trust God. I fear this world more than I fear Him. It hurts so much to write out my true feelings when all I have been doing for the past couple of days and even weeks was to leave it under a rug. I didn't even know how to pull the truth out to the surface. With a little help, the truth finally came out. It's funny how Satan works. He took something so precious to me and used it against me by making me feel guilt and shame. I've been conflicted with a choice I have to make and it was such a struggle for me to see clearly what God wanted for me. Someone asked me if I have been talking and listening to God. I told him "yes." From the way he saw it, I was not being honest. Yes, I've tried talking to God, but I realize I've been plugging my ears whenever I came close to a decision. There's a certain fear and guilt I feel towards the decisions He laid out for me and this is what revealed my distrust in God. Right now I don't know Him at all, but I want to know Him.
2 comments:
I appreciate your honesty, Michelle. I went through a time of similar feelings before the end of Spring Quarter, and its not fun at all... If there's anything I learned during that time, is that God wants us to face up and come to Him with our problems, and not suppress them. Will be praying for you. God is/was/will be faithful.
"to know you is to want to know you more" to find more reasons to fall in love with God and nothing else, to let him be our only joy.
Tangent aside, Michelle, me too! I have doubting in my life too. Like...well, many things. Being at indecision, I guess, makes us realize how much we don't know what God wants us to do and how much we don't know what God is thinking. I am so foolish, naive and arrogant for thinking that I've figured out God and His plans for me. It seems that the things I've learned in the past are only things about Him. I learned that "God is faithful", but am only learning now that God is faithful. This is humbling, Michelle, to realize that we don't know God really well. But this is also scary because there are a lot of things to learn. WOW! God is so big, thank goodness Michelle, good thing we have all of eternity to know Him more.
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