"forgiven" - Sanctus Real

I honestly can't study right now, so I am going to share this awesome song with you guys :) Well, the real reason why i can't study is because I am really angry and frustrated right now!! It was not really an argument, but I was talking to someone and *sigh* it's a long story, but right now i just feel a little bit frustrated. At first it was towards the person, but now it's more towards me.

Anyways, today I was talking to a different friend and she asked me if i get into conflicts with people a lot of times. she asked because i was sharing with her about my conflict with this one person. i told her that i haven't really thought about it. i told her that i can't really compare, so i don't know if i do get into conflicts "a lot of time." maybe i said that to mask the real answer. today, i realize i actually complain and get frustrated very easily DD: it's definitely not easy for me to admit this to you guys that i get ticked off quite easily, but i am tired of masking my weaknesses...i hold on to too much pride and the weight is overbearing =/

i am so tired of pleasing the world! i don't want to keep all my struggles with sin inside because it definitely gets pretty exhausting! i am so self-conscious when it comes to my words and actions. i realize i said something that i probably shouldn't have said and i am just super annoyed at myself for saying it. i try to justify by saying that Jesus would have never say such a thing and that's why i shouldn't have said it. In the end, it's more about me worrying how it might give people a bad impression of me -_____________-! Then I look back at all my past social interactions with people and i get so angry because i compare myself to others and see that maybe i am not as for instance, "nice" as this one girl...and i get jealous =/

i want to be more understanding and forgiving than frustrating and angry. i would hear some of my friends who don't know God as much rant on about a person or situation. i am not saying anything bad about these friends >< i just realize how i am not that much different from them. in my mind, my immediate response would be that everyone is not perfect and that we shouldn't talk bad about them with that kind of attitude. i should really listen to my own advice or actually the Holy Spirit. i feel like i am the only one in this struggle. i know that i rant a lot, but i feel like others don't do it as much as i do. is it because they are holding it in? i wonder if it's better to hold it in or let it out? as ideal this would be, i know that i should try to understand and watch what i say if i do let it out...

the funny thing is that after i type this, i am not going to be angry or frustrated anymore. ahh! my mood changes too quickly...i am going to look back and see how i might be over thinking all of this!! *Sigh*

Anyways, I know that I need God's forgiveness. I've wronged people by not understanding imperfection. I am just as imperfect as everyone else! Christ is constantly making me a new person. I want to move on with my life and not hold on to the past! here are some of my favorite lines from the song:

"And in this life, I know what I've been
but here in Your arms, I know what I am"

"When I don't measure up too much in this life
O I am treasure in the arms of Chirst"

I am tired of the burden. I definitely don't measure up and I don't want to. God is telling me that I don't need to. I feel better now haha xDD thanks for reading my long rant!

side note: i apologize for all the times i rant/complain. i appreciate all the times some of you guys would try to calm me down. i am sorry that you had to deal with such a troubling girl =/

Healing Begins

What's the point of Jesus dying on the cross if I don't let his blood redeem me and wash me of my sins?

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

Worth It

I have been distracted from God for a while. I blame colleges and school work. I was so caught up in succeeding every thing I did, I forgot about why I was doing those things. And eventually, the work took away my need for Jesus because I was succeeding. And for a moment, I arrogantly thought I was capable of doing things on my own. Then, things starting going wrong. I was extremely stressed out! And I thought that since I was capable of making my own success, I should be able to get out of my mess and stress (unintentional rhyme) on my own. It's not easy to admit, but I was struggling with my faith. I couldn't sense God's presence.

Then I realize how superficial my faith in God was. I felt God's love only conditionally. I realized that it took effort on my part to have a relationship with God. But I didn't realize just how much effort took when things were really getting rough. And when I kept making an effort and not seeing immediate results, I started giving up. I think I see why: 1) I was putting effort into the external aspects of a relationship with God, substituting spirituality with singspiration or service, and 2) I kept thinking that I had to be the one to mend the relationship, like it was MY relationship and not God's too, and like I was one who could fix the relationship. So, though I kept making an effort, I kept failing. And I lost hope that I could have a relationship as intimate as before with God again.

But my hope is renewed, because I'm going to fight for my relationship with God regardless of the struggle. And this time, I'm saying it with a better understanding of what struggle exactly means. hehe, and the relationship is, well, Worth It.

Love’s not a feeling
Love’s not convenient
But I know love will change your life
Love takes sacrifice
Love cuts like a knife
Sometimes love will make you cry
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

Love is a hunger
But love won’t leave you empty
See it’s the language of the heart
Love can steal your pride
But love won’t let you hide
It takes everything you’ve got
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

(Chorus)
What you gonna do when the bottom falls out
And you’re left with nothing but your fear and your doubt to hold to
Who will hold you?
Where you gonna run when it’s all on the line
And you’re looking for someone to save your life
To save your life

All In

"All In" ~Lifehouse

Very quickly, cuz i gotta do homework, but when I first heard this song, I really liked it =].

There was one week this past month where I felt so tight with God, so in-tune, so caught up in Him; fell harder than a landslide x]. And there were times during that week, where I couldn't sense His presence as clearly, and I could feel this desperate need and thirst for him. That line, "I spent a week away from you last night" really resonates with that feeling.

Sometimes I think we need to keep reminding ourselves how much we really need, want, relationship with Him.
"I want it...
I want it...
I want it...
Yeah, I want it..."
I want this love for God, this relationship with God, is SO worth it. It fills me up to my fullest, gives me purpose and direction, peace and joy, salvation and hope, etc etc. I want it, I want it, I want it...do I want it enough to go "all in" for Him? how 'bout for life?

I want it...I want it...I want it...I want it...I want it...

Secrets

"Secrets" ~One Republic

Sometimes I leave my guard up for way too long around others, and then try to be what I'm really not. I try to cover up all my stupid mistakes and my weaknesses and pretend that they don't exist. Or at least ignore them. Cuz I think there's this innate desire to make everyone think I'm without fail; that i'm funny enough, smart enough, spiritual enough, pure enough.

But God sees past all my acts, all my facades, and knows me as I am. While there's a sort of nakedness in that, it's really comforting to know it. That he sees all of that ugliness and STILL loves me. sigh. In fact, Paul says that he REJOICES in his weaknesses! 2 Cor 12:8-10: "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it [my weakness] away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

And I think God is calling me to not try and keep up that image around my brothers and sisters and everyone else too. Hopefully I can boast in my weaknesses, like Paul, so to give Jesus all the glory when something awesome happens. Even if they DO judge me, I know that my heart and life is secure in Christ. I'm sick of all the insincere, don't need another lie, don't care if critics critique. I'll keep trying to be honestly me with God and you.

More Like Falling In Love

"More Like Falling In Love" ~Jason Gray

I think God sent me this song at a very appropriate time of my life. Sometime last quarter, I got very caught up in moralism, focusing too much on the "doing" and "works." I heard this song, and the lightbulb went on; something like God's light, revealing to me that I was trying to obey God out of my own strength. I prayed (and continue to pray) that instead, I'll fall in love with Him =].

It's gotta be
more like falling in love
than something to believe in
more like losing my heart
than giving my allegiance
caught up, called out
come take a look at me now
it's like i'm falling in love

I also really like these lines in particular:
"I need more than a truth to believe, I need a truth that lives, moves and breathes, to sweep me off my feet"
"..cuz all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet.. It never set me free."
They describe very nicely about how I want to see my relationship with God: not simply thoughtless obedience, but His love sweeping me off my feet. And understanding that my religiosity doesn't save me, but in fact does the opposite. It's His love that frees me =]. yay!

Your Love

"Your Love" ~Brandon Heath

This song has been an amazing source of encouragement for me for the past few MONTHs, especially from the chorus. SO many times, I forget the amazingness of God's love. I forget that it's all I ever needed: where i find my strength, value, motivation, EVERYthing.

You're the hope in the morning
You're the light when the night is falling
You're the song when my heart is singing,
It's Your love
You're the eyes to the blind man
You're the feet to the lame man walking
You're song of the people singing
It's Your love

I love the bridge :]. Sometimes, I dread waking up to the grind of another day, but yet my God is my hope. At those low moments of darkness, confusion, and sadness, He is the light. And those times when my heart is overjoyed? You can find that all pointed back to God! He gives sight to this blind man and moves the feet of this crippled person, and does the same for others =]. His love is amazing.

It's a pretty simple concept, but I love it; His love is awesome =]. Hope you're blessed!