Not Good Enough

~Tim Be Told, "Not Good Enough"

I stumbled upon this song a little while ago, and I wanted to share it ever since I heard it =].

As I'm sure all of you know about me, I'm a person who thinks a lot x]. For the past few weeks, what's been eating at my head was: what can I do to make God happy? Going through the Old Testament for my devos, I was amazed and fascinated by the laws God gave the Israelites and the very practical reasons why He commanded them. So, I felt motivated to try my best to honor God through obedience of His commandments. While I was trying to do this though, I got tripped up; I started criticizing and scrutinizing every detail of my day, wondering if any of it made God happy. While focusing on this, I lost sight of God's love for me and became concerned with whether I was good enough for God.

God sent me two things in this time that I really needed. One was talking with one of the upperclassmen in my fellowship, who challenged me to ask myself: "Am I trying to earn God's favor?" Before that, I don't think I realized that my accumulation of my actions was my attempt to try to earn God's favor for me. I knew the 'right answer,' which is that there's nothing I can do to make God love me more, and there's nothing I can do (or not do) that would make Him love me less. But somehow I had completely lost the beauty of this statement; that undeserved grace ultimately frees me from the weight of the law, because of Christ's finished work on the cross.

The other was my fellowship's at-church-retreat, the theme for which was "The Furious Love of God." The speaker opened up his message series with this question: "What do you think God thinks of you right now?" The speaker said that the most common response to this question is: "disappointed." the next was "angry," and the next "unconcerned." And I could definitely identify with feeling that God was perpetually disappointed in me, because I always fail to carry out what I want to do for Him. Throughout the rest of the retreat, I learned about how God's first forethought for me is not judgment or disappointment, but love. I think the greatest application challenge from that entire retreat was to simply accept God's amazing love for me.

During this retreat, I was reminded of how prone I am to turn to "moralism," which is trying to save myself or make myself favorable through my own righteousness. Alongside that, I was also reminded of God's amazing, unconditional love for me. I remember one night, after worship had ended, I laid back in a pew by myself and just pondered on that beautiful truth: "God's love for me is CONSTANT and UNCHANGING."

This song from Tim Be Told lays out all the expectations placed on a boy to be a man. And when it all comes down to it, by those measures, he is and feels as if he is not a man. All the "I should be's" collide with the "I'm not's." All those expectations to hold it all together...and in the end, "it's your fault anyways." And after the speaker's gathered all that he's done, all his trophies and achievements into his arms, he shows his dad, and all his dad can say, "where is the rest of it, son?" ...isn't is great to know that even though our parents might treat us this way, or we might treat ourselves, our Father and Creator doesn't look at us like this. It's awesome that He would even understand the pain and pressures and hardships of being human. But still then, He doesn't even look at how much we accumulated.. All He does is smiles, holds us, and says: "you're good enough."

Dirty Shoes

Link to Songhttp://politiik.xanga.com/audio/1161c3857572/

"Dirty Shoes" - by Tim Be Told
Lyrics: http://www.timbetold.com/LyricsDirtyShoes.html

Hi, there. This song really strikes a chord in me. It's a pretty straightforward song in terms of the meaning, but I really like the way the lyrics are written. The one line that particularly catches my ears is the part in the bridge that goes: "the halo 'round my head is a good toy." The bridge as a whole actually strikes me. It's so easy for me as a churched teenager to elevate myself to a "holier than thou" mindset over those who party, or those who stay out late, or those who are involved in a sexually active relationship--those people whose lives deviate even slightly from my "ideal," churched lifestyle. "Yes, these people certainly need Jesus in their lives," my mind would muse. And then, at high school fellowship, how easy again as a leader in the group, to put up a saintly facade as if I were more Godly than my brothers and sisters, especially those who weren't official "leaders." All that without even recognizing--well, maybe recognizing--but not acknowledging to my brothers and sisters that I am just as wretched, that I am just as dirty. I'm tired now of hiding my "dirty shoes"for so long now.

Little boy, whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do with all those dirty shoes?
Hide 'em in a room, yeah?
Leave 'em out of view, you got a lot to lose

Well, that's what I've been doing in high school. It's difficult for me to do. Hiding it in a little private room does nothing for me; Jesus still knows. I need Jesus's grace just as much as those whom I had stupidly deemed "ungodly heathens." What are my "dirty shoes"? I'll tell you (as difficult as it is for me)... I've been caught in the world of internet pornography for most of my high school career, and it's something that I still struggle with today. Am I ashamed? Of course. Romans 7:15-25 lays out the struggle of sin. But 1Peter 3:18 also says that "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righeous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit." And Paul also writes in Romans 5:8 that "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." I hold onto that--trying to understand God's love and grace.

So there it is. This is just one pair of my dirty shoes. But God's gonna make it clean. I'm holding onto that...

"To Surrender is to Gain"

I miss this blog a lot. I have not had much time to actually post something, but I have been listening to the songs and reading your posts, and they are all very encouraging. I should be studying for my midterm now, but I have been wanting to share these songs for a while now.

Lyrics: http://www.timbetold.com/LyricsTheHymn.html

Lyrics: http://www.timbetold.com/LyricsAllofMe.html

At the beginning of last quarter, a friend of mine from the church I go to in San Diego introduced me to this band called Tim Be Told, and I have fallen in love with their music since. The song "All of Me" became pretty much my life anthem for the past few months: I listen to it practically every day multiple times. I chose to share these three songs--"The Hymn," "All of Me," and "Honor You"--simply because I connect a lot with them for a long time. But do expect me to share more songs from them--I love them so much!

Let's start with the first song: "The Hymn (O What Mercy)." The lyrics are very eloquent, but they deliver a basic message that we all have heard many, many times. Essentially, we are broken, we are dirt, but despite our mishaps, God saves us, though we may not always recognize it. It's really easy for me to overlook the power expressed in this message of the gospel, simply because I hear it so many times that it has become cliche for me. But it really shouldn't be; I really should NEVER tire of hearing the gospel. I am currently being discipled by one of the upperclassmen in my fellowship (who is conveniently the one who shared this band with me), and he made it clear to me why I should never forget the gospel. It's really interesting, actually. He pointed out how a lot of the times when we go through hardships and then are so consumed with ourselves and how everything's messed up, well, eventually (though it's not always the case) we remember the gospel--or at least some form of it--and we recognize how essential God's grace is. While it is definitely good to go back to the gospel, how much more clarity one would have going through hardships with the gospel in mind. Well, that's just for me anyway.

One thing I really like about the song is the way that the lyrics are structured. In the middle of the first two verses, the lyrics emphasize our own shortcomings: "still my darkness veils all the victories / that you've seen me through" and "but our silence veils all the answers / that they seek from you." However, by the third verse, the climax of the song, we see the opposite: our shortcomings no longer matter. Surrounded by a powerful, symphonic aura, and delivered with strong vocals, the lyrics accentuate God's victory: "But your hope unveils all the answers and reveals the truth / By the cross you've made a way..."

I had actually intended "All of Me" to be the crux of this post, but seeing how I started to ramble a bit, I'll try to be brief. Like I mentioned, this is one of my favorite songs, and I really connect with it. One thing I struggle with is idolatry. I give myself to many things other than God, i.e. certain people, school, whatever it may be. I put all my strength and heart, all my hope and trust, into these things--much more than I give to God--but the thing is, I always end up in a worse state, farther from God. The second verse reflects my sentiments very well:

"I am restless in my soul

Stealing their affections, trying to fill an endless hole

I have cried alone so many times

'Cause I can't feel your love

I remember when you used to be enough"

Yeah. To be brief, I am very overwhelmed right now. It's hard to turn to God, but I do know--I have experienced it!--the joys of giving myself to God. I just pray that my trust in God remains strong, even through tough circumstances. Okay. Listen to these songs while reading the lyrics; it's really nice.

The last song...it's really simple and straightforward. Here are the lyrics:

"I have toiled and labored

For things that pass away

Working just to savor these numbered days

Fruitless seeds I've sown

Worthless things I've grown

I offer You all that I own, though small and simple

I pray it honors You alone"

Great prayer in conjunction with the previous song.

Alright I really need to continue studying for my midterm now. It's gonna be crazy! But I pray that I can give it up to God and that it honors Him. Alright, study time!

Enjoy Tim Be Told! :)