Without You

Tim has good taste in music :) Shane and Shane are quite wonderful. I was looking at Your Love. God worked so much in me this weekend! He's just humbled me like a billion times....but it's so gooood! Ahhh!! Boys. -_- Touchy topic.... but the time has come. I'm weary about this topic, especially because I thought any crush is like no-no. It's succumbing to temptations of the flesh. I was prideful for thinking I'd never crush hard and give so much of my heart to the certain brother... I always thought that when the time came that I'd be attracted to a brother, I'd crush right. But God totally humbled me and said, Annie, you don't know what you're doing, but I do, so trust me. Okay, this all seems a bit vague, let me clarify :). I've been attracted to a brother for a while...at first, it was just a mild crush. It was just like, this brother would make a great husband, then I thought about it more and more. And it started to get out of hand! So embarrassing..... Especially because I wanted to deny the attraction. The more I did that, the more attracted to him I got -__- And then he filled my head. I was thinking about him more than God. Bad Annie! I know! I was, sigh, something I thought I'd never do, something I thought I was mature enough to not do, I was giving more and more of my heart to him. I didn't know what to do with these feelings! Were they wrong or not? Am I meant to like this brother? I prayed for understanding of these feelings. I told a sister about it and she honestly and boldly pointed out to me that me wanting to understand these feelings is me wanting to take control of these feelings. And obviously I wasn't handling my feelings so well. I am so embarrassed to admit this, but I even got jealous. -_______- So, solution: trust God = surrendering to Him = place my feelings into God's hands. After talking to this sister, I went back home and I found this song, and I kept praying it.


I can walk through the storm
I can walk by father when my sight is gone
just as long as you are here with me


Here I am calling out father
Can you hear me?
I don't want to go without you
Here I am, Can you talk a little louder,
I want to hear you
I don't want to move without you


This song, along with Your Love, helped me to depend on God, give my heart to Him. And then, I stopped trying to deny the feelings, trying to understand them, and control them. I let myself have the feelings. I got less scared, which let me love that brother even if the love would not be returned, and even if it might be a mistake because God would be by me. And I just focused on loving God completely (like Jesus tells us to in the Sermon on the Mount), and loving that brother with His love as a result of loving God.

And then, I learned: he's dating! So saddd. It hurts! But, the weird thing is, I'm not crushed. God totally knows what he was doing. I'm glad that that sister told me that she was dating him, AFTER a couple of days, because if that did not happen, I wouldn't have filled more of my heart with God, and I wouldn't have been able to handle the fact. Me not crumbling proves to me: God loves me because God protected me by making Him my first and greatest love. That's what I get for trusting God :) This is pretty cool. I guess this is what it means to rejoice in the Lord. For He is near, and we don't need to be anxious of anything. But if in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, we present our requests to God, then the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. (Phil 4:4-7) :) :) :) He's doing that now... He's so good to me. He's so good to me.

Conclusion: God should just create one gender to simplify things for us! but then we'd never love Him more without going through these things. Okay, I guess it's okay for God to create two genders....
I'm glad that I had this crush on him, because it's drawing me closer to God. God knows what He's doing... LOL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eun34_2EmaQ