I only first heard this song yesterday, and God's already been using it to challenge me. Here are some of the lyrics:
I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
change me from the inside
I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home,
never let these walls down
But You have called me higher,
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where you lead me, Lord
This has been a recurring theme for me for a while: Knowing God, but only just enough to keep Him at arms-distance so He can't really touch my life. It's not something that I always explicitly do, but I think I am honestly afraid of what would happen if I were to truly invite God to get in contact with both the big and small parts of my life. To keep him far enough to have some kind of control of what I do, to have an excuse of "I'm not moved that way" so I don't have to follow him to doing the uncomfortable.
But You have called me higher,
You have called me deeper
Tonight, I was going through a workbook that I'm going through with my pastor who's discipling me. The chapter was on our "sinful nature," and at the application portion was to write 2-3 things that I've done this past week that I knew was wrong but I did anyways. I wrote down three items, and the thought of sharing these things that I wrote down with my pastor shamed me and gripped my chest. I didn't want to share these things... (man, accountability is hard haha...) and I realized I didn't bring these things to God either. Most times I briefly accepted that God still loved me somehow without
then I realized. In doing the one thing that I wanted to do the least (that is, admitting that I have a lot of crap that I don't want others or myself to see) actually brings freedom. By ignoring the disgusting details of my sin, I am still living in the fear of being deemed a sinner, and I don't allow God to sweep in and show the full extent of His grace-- the amount of my sin that I refuse to admit or face up to is that much more grace that I fail to experience. Furthermore, the fact that I hold on at all reveals that I don't fully embrace the complete forgiveness I have in Christ. In other words, I miss out on the freedom of admitting my mistakes while embracing an identity as a beloved child of God.
- "Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 5:20-21.
But if I actually face up to it (that is, admitting all of this openly to God and to others), I take claim to both the hideous fact that I am a hopeless sinner AND the fact that God's love and grace covers that by the cost of His Son. That is what happens when we let finally let God come in, to bring us higher and deeper. Tim Keller states that this is the gospel: "We are more sinful than we ever dared believe, yet we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope."
Gahh there's so much more too haha... but this will do for now =]. I'm getting to the point of rambling hahaha thanks for reading x].
So God, break these walls.. help me to confess my sin explicitly. Call me higher, call me deeper into You. It's gritter and its harder, but its full of glory and freedom. Help me to find myself first and foremost as YOUR SON. To proclaim the great news: I am a sinner saved by grace and grace alone.
1 comment:
hahaha that's so funny. I was thinking about sharing on this blog this past week as well, but I can't think of a song...so...I think I am just going to wait :P But in all honesty, the funny thing is that as I was reading your post (before hitting the admittance of sins part), the fear of sharing my innermost thoughts started surfacing. I know that I am an external processor and thus, by writing a post...I was scared that I will realize some of the ugliness and sins that I have been clouding my life. It's SO FUNNY how you were sharing what I was most scared of doing myself.
I think God did humble me last week when I was going through a lot and I did not want to share it with people. I met up with this one sister. I had a lot of anxiety meeting up with her because she and I can talk freely about almost anything with each other, and thus I was scared of revealing some things I did not want to reveal. I did not want to talk about was how I've been struggling with jealousy and comparing myself to her (and some of my other friends). In the end, I did not share any of that. However, at the end of that very same day, I get a phone call from her. She called because she wanted to ask for accountability for the coming week because of something she is struggling with. I was surprised haha because although she is very close to me and we share a lot, she chooses to be a bit more private about her life for several reasons. When she asked me to keep her accountable of her, I was humbled. I confessed to her how I've been struggling as well. lol she then called me out for not sharing with her. I defended myself by saying that she did the exact same thing. I knew that all the comparisons I was making and the jealousy I have been feeling are all illusions not created by God. I know that running away is not the answer, but rather confronting it will set me free. There are still a lot of insecurities and fears that I have. I just need the gospel. Thanks for the song and sharing, tim :D
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