So, my relationship with God hasn't been going really well. And I really want it to go well. I'm stuck. I keep giving myself advice, telling myself things that start with "you should..." or "you shouldn't," so even though I know what I'm supposed to do to get out, I am still stuck. Now that I think about it, I really don't know what to do. I'm just referring to past solutions to past problems and I guess this is a new problem. Though the situations feel so similar.
I felt like I was a bad leader because I didn't see much spiritual growth within the group, and I started to act the part of a good leader. I started pretending to be wise, strong, independent. I even hid the fact that I was starting to feel once again, unloved. But this wasn't enough for the people to see me as a leader and I kind of started a competition with everyone else. I compared myself to anyone who was looked up to in their field, and I tried to beat them. Then I realized how unleaderly I was being, and I told myself, "you should stop being so arrogant, are you honestly trying to do God's job for him? You realize that only God can lead his people to him. It's not your job." But I ignored the voice in the sense that I didn't let it affect me. Looking back, ugh, I really don't like me. I was feeding on people's praise instead of God's praise. I just felt so much pressure to not be a bad leader because I didn't want to take for granted God's privilege for me. But I'm so tired of counting how many times I fail and I'm so tired of covering up the many times I do fail. I'm just so scared that there might be a possibility that God wanted me to say "no" to being a leader. Ahh, the pressure is getting back to me. Anyways, I like this song because it's simple. I've been calculating and measuring my relationship with God for a while now and I just want to throw all my records away and let our relationship be. I've been feeling a lack of love as a result of my measuring and I cried because this song overwhelmed me. I don't like that I am a crybaby and a weakling, but I like that it is a blessing from God. Yeah, God gives me many blessings I take for granted. Anyways, I was overwhelmed by the truth this song illustrates: He is faithful.
I love to see you, but its been so long
I long to feel you
I feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (repeat 4)
i hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
4 comments:
thanks for your openness, annie =]] i know how you feel. it's funny...i feel like i am going through something similar. it must hurt a lot =// you're definitely not alone. I also feel like weeping on the inside and outside because of the spiritual brokenness we're both facing.
I love how this song starts with ourselves and ends with God. We start with talking to God and ourselves to God talking to us. Yes, I am glad we have a Christian community to give us comfort and support whenever we need it, but on the other hand, Christians are not perfect either. As human Christians, we preach love, and yet we fail in this area ourselves. Listening to ourselves is also not the best solution because "we are our own worse enemy (at times)." I think what we both need the most is to hear words of comfort and acceptance from God because we know for a fact that God will always love and never forsake. We're seeking love from a God who does no wrong and not from a people who does wrong. He is the only one who can stand by what He preaches. As hard it is right now, I know that I am not going to give up and I know that you're not going to give up. I'll be praying for the both of us. Let's get through this together =]]
Yes, yes, Michelle! Yes!
amen =]. stand firm in God's UNfailing love!
Your encouragement of each other encourages me :]. I once read something like this: "Don't rely on your love for God, because it is imperfect and will always change. Rely on God's perfect, unchanging love for you." I hope it encourages you too!
Yes, Yes, Tim, it does!
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